Happy

Happy is hard. Happy is a journey and the smile on my face doesn't tell you the whole story.
It doesn't tell you the times I wanted to end it all, when I couldn't see tomorrow's sun through today's rain.
I remember when it was dark and I couldn't find a flashlight or a light switch. I wrote a letter to a friend and she called me because the words I wrote were so dark that she was worried.
I may smile today but yesterday I almost cussed someone out for no reason. I slammed my fists into the steering wheel of my car in the parking lot. I screamed until my throat was raw in my apartment.
You don't realize how hard happy can be until the twists and turns of life gut-punch you into some crazy sort of oblivion.
As a friend described it, things can get so hairy that you just stop and tell God, "Okay, let me watch you work all this out and just be entertained." Because that's when you reached the limit of what you can do.
I think happy is a choice you have to make every day because happy is an insane belief that even if you can't see the light, it's there, like a sun peeking behind clouds, like a rainbow appearing after a horrific storm.
The smile on my face doesn't tell you how scared I am of dying, of losing everything I ever had in one fell swoop, of having someone close to me die, of being consumed by so much pain and grief that you can barely get out of bed when daylight breaks.
Life is some scary shit, I tell you.
And happy isn't easy. But you have to push through. Feel the pain and come out the other end because there is another side.
I have lived at least long enough to see that storms are temporary and that you cannot view all of your life in the one moment that seems like the end. Because it isn't the end. You're still breathing. Your eyes continue to open. This is only a chapter to a much larger book in which only God knows the ending.
You're just here for the ride.
That's why I cherish the moments, whether loud with laughter or quiet and reflective.  I smile because the tears and anger and hurt made me who I am. I smile because I'm still standing and my heart is beating. And I choose to believe that despite all the bad news around me, all the horrific stuff I cover as a reporter, love wins in the end. Hate loses.
I choose to believe that happiness is the truth.