For so long, attending church was something I did, without fail, every Sunday. I sang in the choir and attended Bible study. And those years I went to church, I strengthened my faith. I had something to hold onto when life got dark and I couldn't find the light switch. Church reminded me that the storm wasn't going to last long and that joy came in the midnight hour.
I needed that mustard-seed faith. It was then, when I was at my lowest, I was able to pull myself out of the deep end of the pool.
And even though I don't go to church, I believe in God. I believe in a God who performs miracles and who exemplifies love in the grandest sense of the word. I chose to believe that love conquers hate and that though the world appears clogged with evil, good still flourishes; you just have to see it.
But despite everything I got from going to church, I ignored too long this feeling in my spirit that this no longer fit who I wanted to be and the values I wanted to reflect. I wasn't being me.
I was pretending. I was performing what I thought was Christianity. I was doing all of these things to assauge guilt and fulfill some obligation.
And somewhere along the way, I lost sight of God.
To be more exact, I didn't see God in church. I felt ashamed. The theology I heard was exclusive and not inclusive. And I couldn't pretend that I agreed with it anymore.
I left and never looked back, even though I still have friends there I love and respect and cherish.
Every now and then, I run into people who ask why I haven't been to church in awhile. I don't say much. I evade the question in a way because I really don't want to explain. I don't want get into a long and drawn-out discussion. I left and that's all there is to say.
But obviously that isn't all there is to say.
I know I believe in God. Am I a Christian? I can't say. I'm trying to figure it all out. I'm asking questions of myself about what I really believe.
Will I go back to church? I don't know. I'm walking the path day by day and seeing where it will take me. I'm trying to trust this process of getting to a more holistic truth.
I figure it is better to get lost than to be stuck in a place that doesn't feel like home anymore, doesn't feel like you anymore.
I have a feeling I'll find my way out soon.
